Yelchin.

We’ve lost a number of artists this year, and while each death has been sad and tragic in it’s own way, none of them have knocked me off balance quite like the death of Anton Yelchin. Typing that just now made my throat constrict and my eyes burn. And yeah, some people think it’s silly to mourn the death of a “celebrity” or an “artist” because we don’t know them personally. I beg to differ. Artists create art that impacts us in different ways. As an actor, Anton used every part of himself to create art. His body, his mind, his face, his voice… every part of him was art. You can’t enjoy his art without enjoying him. You can’t be impacted by his art without being impacted by him. And honestly, a big fuck you to anyone who tries to dictate how people grieve.

I was watching TV with my mom yesterday and the trailer for Anton’s new movie with Zooey Deschanel was on. I made a comment like “aww, lil Anton” and made a mental note to see the film because I enjoy everything he does, and my mom made a connection to his movie “Rudderless,” which she saw and loved. And we moved on. And then I woke up this morning to a text from a friend breaking the news and I feel kind of like I’ve been in a haze all day and I can’t really explain why. I wasn’t obsessed with him. I didn’t have his pictures plastered all over my wall. I didn’t have delusional dreams of marrying him. But he was an actor I respected and admired and I’ve always appreciated that he somehow always manages to make me cry when I’m watching him on screen.

There’s something so magnetic about him – so genuine and vulnerable and kind and it’s like, no matter what role he’s playing, his soul shines through it and you’re just drawn to him. He’s exactly one year older than me, and I think seeing someone your age creating things and being successful always inspires this sort of feeling of kinship. He seemed like someone I would have been friends with, and I always rooted for him. I always got excited when he had a new film coming out. And my heart physically hurts knowing that he won’t be making films as we get older. It fucking sucks.

The nature of his death is something that is so baffling to me I can’t even put it into words. A total freak accident. I read he was checking his mail? He was checking his fucking mail?!? And his car was faulty and he fucking died? Just like that?!? I’m so angry that something so….. stupid can happen, and then someone is just gone. I can’t wrap my head around it at all. It doesn’t make any sense. He wasn’t murdered, he wasn’t on drugs, he wasn’t doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. He was checking his fucking mail and now he’s dead. And that makes me question everything.

I don’t really know what else to say other than I’m sending all the love in my heart to his family and friends. Thank you for sharing yourself with us, Anton. Your work has brought so much to my life, I feel blessed in a way. You may not have known me, but you moved me, and I think that’s all we can hope for in life. To move people. To make people feel things. And you were so, so, so good at that.

RIP.

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A Letter To My Former Self

Dear Shonna,

How are you holding up? I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I know the days seem monotonous, like you’re living the exact same day over and over again. It may seem boring, but one day you’re going to miss the monotony – trust me. You’re going to miss having a routine and you’re going to miss the lack of pressure and responsibility. I know high school seems stressful, and it is, but it’s also the easiest your life will ever be. You probably can’t wait to get out of there and start your “real life,” but this is your real life. Believe it or not, the people you know now will be with you for a very, very long time. The memories you’re making right now will be talked about at parties, you’ll reminisce about “the good old days,” you’ll talk about how much you wish you could go back. Embrace your life right now. Enjoy it. Soak it up.

I know you feel lonely and sort of stuck. I know you’re watching all of your friends enter into relationships and you don’t understand why it hasn’t happened to you yet, and you’ve spent hours and hours analyzing every detail of yourself and wondering what’s wrong with you. I know you crave love and acceptance and it just doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards for you, but I’m telling you right now that your life is going to be filled with so much love. You’re going to make deep and honest and unbreakable connections with some of the people that are surrounding you right this very second. You’re going to share moments and make memories that will remind you what life is all about. You’ll wonder how you ever got so lucky. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are lovable, and you will see proof of that soon enough.

I heard about that boy you saw in the hallway, the one that made you stop in your tracks and wonder what planet he came from. He’ll become a big part of your life. You’ll fall in love with him and it will be one of the purest things you’ve ever felt – an honest, selfless, and all-consuming kind of love. And you will have your heart broken, but you’ll be okay. You’ve got to learn right now what you’re worth and what you deserve, and what this boy puts you through will make you question those things. But you’ve gotta fight and you’ve gotta focus on all of the love and positivity around you and you’ll realize that even though what you feel is real, he doesn’t deserve you. You’re going to hurt for a really long time, but don’t be afraid. This boy is going to teach you so much about yourself and you’ll be a better person when it’s all over.

Your parents are pretty intense, huh? So many rules, so many things you aren’t allowed to do, and I know it feels like you’re suffocating and you’re never going to escape. But they’ll ease up after a while and you’re going to go on so many adventures. You’ll travel and you’ll see different cities just like you’ve always wanted to do. Just hold tight, your time is coming.

One thing I can’t stress enough – keep working on your art! Keep playing guitar and singing – soon enough you’ll be writing songs and people will love them. Don’t question yourself, just put everything you are into what you create. Good things will come from it, I promise. You’ll find a confidence and a meaning inside yourself that you never knew was possible.

One final piece of advice: don’t wish your life away. Be present in every single moment, no matter how boring, painful, or pointless it may seem. Find beauty wherever you are. Enjoy your youth, celebrate it, exist in it, and don’t take a single second for granted. You’re going to experience loss in the worst way possible and you’ll learn how fragile you really are and how short life really is, but you can’t let that scare you out of living.

You’re only a teenager for a second. Make it count.

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