Archive for May, 2014

If I’ve learned anything the last few years, it’s that you can’t chase happiness. You can’t build something up inside your head and think that if you ever get it, you’ll finally be happy. 9 times out of 10, you’ll end up disappointed. Trust me, I know from experience. Happiness must come from within oneself.

I’ve spent a long time chasing happiness. I’ve moved to different places, I’ve gotten jobs that I always thought would be the coolest jobs to have, I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time loving people that could not or would not ever love me back, all in a desperate hunt for that elusive happiness. The whole time, though, I don’t think I ever understood what happiness is. Sure, I’d felt it. I’m really good at making a conscious effort to be entirely present when I feel happy, to completely be alive in that moment. But those moments always seemed to be fleeting and it was never absolute. In my day to day life, there was always something missing. There was always some piece of the puzzle that wasn’t in place, be it my location, my lackluster love life, my job or my school or whatever. If something was off, then I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t be. Everything had to be exactly how it was in my head. I had to be at my dream school and be dating the love of my life and I had to have my friends near me and I had to have an awesome job and I had to be in Virginia with my family and the list goes on and on and it is just absolutely goddamn unattainable and I knew that, but it didn’t matter. I needed all of those things to be “happy.” I somehow managed to condition myself into thinking that way. So yeah, I’d have good moments, but that’s all they were. Blips of good fortune on the radar of a rather bleak life. This way of thinking leads to a pretty sad and unfulfilling existence, if you can imagine.

Over the last few weeks, things started culminating. It seemed like everything I ever wanted was finally coming my way. I wanted to live near my friends, I wanted to try, once and for all, to win over the guy I’d been pining over for years (my first mistake, really. If you have to “win them over,” it’s not fucking worth it. I know that, now.), and I wanted to get accepted to my dream school. So, I moved down to North Carolina and applied to my dream school and I felt like maybe this was it. Maybe this was finally my chance at true and complete happiness. Well, a bit of time has passed and not only did things not go the way I wanted them to, they went in the complete opposite direction. I’ve watched some of my most sacred relationships crumble before my eyes. I was rejected by the only school I have ever wanted to go to. Oh, and it turns out dudes are dicks. So yeah. I didn’t really achieve the blissful happiness I craved. Or did I?

I’m only realizing now, after having an eye opening and life changing couple of weeks, that happiness truly comes from within. I’ve heard that song before, but I never really understood it. I’m still not sure exactly what it means, but I think it has something to do with realizing that everything is as it should be. You may not always get what you want. You may not always have those amazing things you build up in your head. You may get beat down and you may get dragged through the dirt and everything you believe in could be a total fucking lie. But just rest easy. You will always have everything you need.

I feel the winds of change blowing. I know that even though things may not have turned out exactly how I wanted them to, they happened the way I needed them to. I’ve learned so much these last few weeks about myself and about life and about growth and change. I’ve learned that sometimes you need to let things go, even though you’ve been fighting for so long to hold on that your knuckles are turning white. Sometimes things need to change and that’s completely okay.

I’m ready to go forward in my life with no expectations, with no “visions of how things should be.” I’m ready to take each day as it comes and see what happens.

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