Posts Tagged ‘Sadness’

In the time it took for me to get used to
You being around
You were already changing your mind
Just when I was allowing myself
To trust you
Again
You told me you were leaving
You filled my head with somedays
And plans of starting a farm
When the time is right for you
But you never asked me
You never asked me
Where I stood
And you would never meet my eyes
You would just touch me
And pull my hair
And breathe I love you’s into my neck
And I fell for it every fucking time
Because when I say those words
I mean them
When I say those words
They are solid and they are true and they are real
But you were caught up in a moment
With having a body to hold and a voice
To tell you that you were adored
I was there to fill the bored and empty minutes
That you lived in until you went
Looking for something better
And you never asked me
Where I stood
Because you knew that I was always in arms reach
You never even looked up to see
That every time your hands were
Sliding underneath my shirt
I was trying not to scream

Copyright © Shonna Rae Bell 2017

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anton2

We’ve lost a number of artists this year, and while each death has been sad and tragic in it’s own way, none of them have knocked me off balance quite like the death of Anton Yelchin. Typing that just now made my throat constrict and my eyes burn. And yeah, some people think it’s silly to mourn the death of a “celebrity” or an “artist” because we don’t know them personally. I beg to differ. Artists create art that impacts us in different ways. As an actor, Anton used every part of himself to create art. His body, his mind, his face, his voice… every part of him was art. You can’t enjoy his art without enjoying him. You can’t be impacted by his art without being impacted by him. And honestly, a big fuck you to anyone who tries to dictate how people grieve.

I was watching TV with my mom yesterday and the trailer for Anton’s new movie with Zooey Deschanel was on. I made a comment like “aww, lil Anton” and made a mental note to see the film because I enjoy everything he does, and my mom made a connection to his movie “Rudderless,” which she saw and loved. And we moved on. And then I woke up this morning to a text from a friend breaking the news and I feel kind of like I’ve been in a haze all day and I can’t really explain why. I wasn’t obsessed with him. I didn’t have his pictures plastered all over my wall. I didn’t have delusional dreams of marrying him. But he was an actor I respected and admired and I’ve always appreciated that he somehow always manages to make me cry when I’m watching him on screen.

There’s something so magnetic about him – so genuine and vulnerable and kind and it’s like, no matter what role he’s playing, his soul shines through it and you’re just drawn to him. He’s exactly one year older than me, and I think seeing someone your age creating things and being successful always inspires this sort of feeling of kinship. He seemed like someone I would have been friends with, and I always rooted for him. I always got excited when he had a new film coming out. And my heart physically hurts knowing that he won’t be making films as we get older. It fucking sucks.

The nature of his death is something that is so baffling to me I can’t even put it into words. A total freak accident. I read he was checking his mail? He was checking his fucking mail?!? And his car was faulty and he fucking died? Just like that?!? I’m so angry that something so….. stupid can happen, and then someone is just gone. I can’t wrap my head around it at all. It doesn’t make any sense. He wasn’t murdered, he wasn’t on drugs, he wasn’t doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. He was checking his fucking mail and now he’s dead. And that makes me question everything.

I don’t really know what else to say other than I’m sending all the love in my heart to his family and friends. Thank you for sharing yourself with us, Anton. Your work has brought so much to my life, I feel blessed in a way. You may not have known me, but you moved me, and I think that’s all we can hope for in life. To move people. To make people feel things. And you were so, so, so good at that.

RIP.

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What is it that makes us unhappy? What is it that makes us feel like we’re stuck? That we’re nothing more than hamsters running as fast as we can but no matter what, we can’t break free from that wheel of everyday life? Of monotony and boredom?

I have often found myself reflecting on the year 2013. A lot of people who know me have heard me talk about how that was the best year of my life. I got to travel to so many places and experience so many things and it was a year of growth and freedom. However, in the background, my personal life was in shambles. The year that I have often thought of as the absolute best it will ever be was also one of the darkest, most taxing years of my life. I was lost in so many ways, but I also think that that year taught me about miracles. That every single time you feel like giving up, something beautiful happens that reminds you why you’re alive, and why you’re lucky to be. 2013 taught me that instead of trying to run from darkness, I should just carry a flashlight.

That flashlight is positive thinking. Over the last few months, I have felt the earth shift beneath my feet. I made a conscious decision to be happy, to always be sure to find the beauty that is surrounding me because it is there – we just sometimes turn our heads away. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be upset about things, to be frustrated and afraid. But when that sadness and fear becomes overwhelming – when it starts overtaking who you are and affecting your day to day life – you need to make a drastic change. And that change can happen in a second, like the flip of a switch.

For a long time, I suffered from that horrible habit of comparing myself to others. I won’t lie, I still catch myself doing it sometimes. I still feel envy and I get upset that I can’t have the things that I want. What I’ve started to do recently when I find myself feeling that way is I begin a countdown of all the things I’m thankful for. I make a mental checklist of all the people that I have in my life that love me, and do so more than I could ever deserve. I relive happy memories and let myself relish in the fact that I will have the opportunity to make more of those memories. I think about spending autumn afternoons exploring used book stores and I think about soy mochas and I think about that one song that just sets my heart on fire. I think about all the things that have ever made me happy, and I’m often overcome with this incredible feeling of gratitude. All of the envy is washed away, and I realize that if I wasn’t who I am, I would probably be jealous of me.

I know that seems sort of like a self-centered way of thinking, but sometimes you have to do that to put things into perspective. I have stopped taking anything for granted. I very often realize when I’m experiencing a beautiful moment, and I’m not afraid to verbalize it. I can’t even count how many times I’ve turned to a friend and said, “I’m so happy to be in this moment and I’m so happy you’re here with me.” I remember being in Washington D.C. with my friends Kate and Amy early last year. It was night time and the moon was shining and we were standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial and I stopped what I was doing and I said, “I just wanted you guys to know that this has been one of the best days and I’m so glad I’m experiencing it with you guys.” I don’t hold back anymore. I’ve realized the amount of love I have in my life and I feel like if I don’t release a little bit of it back into the universe, I might explode.

I feel like as soon as I switched gears in my brain, everything else fell into place. I started putting faith in the universe and I began truly believing that everything happens exactly the way it’s supposed to. You get what you give. If you block yourself off from positive and happy possibilities, they won’t come to you. They are always trying to, though. Positive experiences are around you constantly, you just have to open your eyes and see them. For the first time in my life, I am totally content with where I am. And more importantly, I have learned that you don’t have to do these huge, pretty, flashy things to be happy. You don’t have to travel the country and have all these crazy experiences to be happy. Every single moment is filled with so much fun, joy, and love.

Now, instead of having some goal that I need to be happy, I find happiness in the tiniest moments. I find happiness in staying up all night watching weird horror movies with my friend, Macie. I find happiness in playing with my friend Steph’s beautiful twin baby girls. I find happiness in watching Netflix and crafting with my friend, Taylor. I find happiness in dancing to Taylor Swift with my friend, John. I find happiness in thrifting with my brother. I find happiness in having lunch with my friend, Ashley. I find happiness in taking my mom to see her favorite dancer. I find happiness in curling up in the cafe on campus and reading a book. I find happiness in watching The X-Files while I put away laundry. I find happiness in falling asleep with my cat, Max.

I find happiness every single day because I choose to. Will you?

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In the mourning light
I see your eyes
The eyes I’ve seen a thousand times
But they’re different, now
They’re indifferent, now
And I don’t know why or how
But I let my head listen to my heart
When it said, “This time, you follow.”
Now all I hear in my head, so clear
Is an echoing, “I told you so.”

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