Posts Tagged ‘Personal’

Oh baby, I’ve proven
A thousand times over
That I am not movin’
When you push me away
I know that you’re scared, now
To enter the ruins
So, I’m reachin’ my hand out
Baby, I’ll lead the way

And I’ll bare the battle scars
As I fight like hell to save your heart

‘Cause babydoll, I love you the most
The menagerie of wicked animals
Inside your cryptic brain, so enchanting and strange
I want it all
Will you follow me through?

They’re lighting the torches
They know that we’re coming
But I’ve got my sword
And I’m ready to swing
The ivy vines tangled
Grid iron gate’s stable
But, I’m young and I’m able
Stay close behind me

And if the demons have a cost
That’s fine, I’ve got a heart of gold to pawn

CHORUS

And no, I won’t let you down easy
Because I won’t let you down at all
My love for you is amaranthine
My precious hands are yours to hold

Cause babydoll, I love you the most
And it’s killin’ me to see you skin and bones
Call olly oxen free, I’ll tear right through the trees
And bring you home
Will you…?

CHORUS

Copyright © Shonna Rae Bell 2017

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If I’ve learned anything the last few years, it’s that you can’t chase happiness. You can’t build something up inside your head and think that if you ever get it, you’ll finally be happy. 9 times out of 10, you’ll end up disappointed. Trust me, I know from experience. Happiness must come from within oneself.

I’ve spent a long time chasing happiness. I’ve moved to different places, I’ve gotten jobs that I always thought would be the coolest jobs to have, I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time loving people that could not or would not ever love me back, all in a desperate hunt for that elusive happiness. The whole time, though, I don’t think I ever understood what happiness is. Sure, I’d felt it. I’m really good at making a conscious effort to be entirely present when I feel happy, to completely be alive in that moment. But those moments always seemed to be fleeting and it was never absolute. In my day to day life, there was always something missing. There was always some piece of the puzzle that wasn’t in place, be it my location, my lackluster love life, my job or my school or whatever. If something was off, then I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t be. Everything had to be exactly how it was in my head. I had to be at my dream school and be dating the love of my life and I had to have my friends near me and I had to have an awesome job and I had to be in Virginia with my family and the list goes on and on and it is just absolutely goddamn unattainable and I knew that, but it didn’t matter. I needed all of those things to be “happy.” I somehow managed to condition myself into thinking that way. So yeah, I’d have good moments, but that’s all they were. Blips of good fortune on the radar of a rather bleak life. This way of thinking leads to a pretty sad and unfulfilling existence, if you can imagine.

Over the last few weeks, things started culminating. It seemed like everything I ever wanted was finally coming my way. I wanted to live near my friends, I wanted to try, once and for all, to win over the guy I’d been pining over for years (my first mistake, really. If you have to “win them over,” it’s not fucking worth it. I know that, now.), and I wanted to get accepted to my dream school. So, I moved down to North Carolina and applied to my dream school and I felt like maybe this was it. Maybe this was finally my chance at true and complete happiness. Well, a bit of time has passed and not only did things not go the way I wanted them to, they went in the complete opposite direction. I’ve watched some of my most sacred relationships crumble before my eyes. I was rejected by the only school I have ever wanted to go to. Oh, and it turns out dudes are dicks. So yeah. I didn’t really achieve the blissful happiness I craved. Or did I?

I’m only realizing now, after having an eye opening and life changing couple of weeks, that happiness truly comes from within. I’ve heard that song before, but I never really understood it. I’m still not sure exactly what it means, but I think it has something to do with realizing that everything is as it should be. You may not always get what you want. You may not always have those amazing things you build up in your head. You may get beat down and you may get dragged through the dirt and everything you believe in could be a total fucking lie. But just rest easy. You will always have everything you need.

I feel the winds of change blowing. I know that even though things may not have turned out exactly how I wanted them to, they happened the way I needed them to. I’ve learned so much these last few weeks about myself and about life and about growth and change. I’ve learned that sometimes you need to let things go, even though you’ve been fighting for so long to hold on that your knuckles are turning white. Sometimes things need to change and that’s completely okay.

I’m ready to go forward in my life with no expectations, with no “visions of how things should be.” I’m ready to take each day as it comes and see what happens.

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Job hunting is a terribly depressing, soul-crushing, and self-esteem crumbling chore that was undoubtedly created by Satan himself as a way to drive the innocent to insanity and thus inspire them to perform horrid acts that will ultimately land them in eternal damnation with him (which is what job hunting feels like, anyway). Being unemployed and living at home is one step worse. You can feel the judgement radiating from your parents eyes, despite their attempts at being encouraging. Never mind the fact that you’re only halfway through school and thus aren’t qualified enough for a “real” job but are over-qualified for any other job and forget the fact that you’ve spent entire days filling out applications and scouring the internet for openings only to be emailed with the half-hearted response of, “though your application was thoroughly considered…” None of that matters. You’re a loser and a mooch. You are to feel terrible about your existence until you start bringing home that minimum waged quality bacon.

Well, F U Satan. I have not the will nor the patience for your assholish pranks. Please leave me alone.

That said, being an unemployed moochy loser, I have had plenty of time between reading my rejection emails to catch up on television and films. I’m a massive Jane Austen fan (what literate girl isn’t, though?), and have been on the hunt for more romantic period dramas. I came across one called “Lost in Austen,” sort of a more-modern-but-not-really take on Pride and Prejudice.

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It follows this girl called Amanda Price who eerily resembles Hayley Williams from Paramore and is absolutely infatuated with the lives of the Bennet’s and the Darcy’s and the Bingley’s and the Old English society and the whole world created in Pride and Prejudice. One day, she walks into her bathroom to find none other than Elizabeth Bennet, who somehow managed to follow some sort of portal through the wall connecting the real world with that of the story. Basically, they switch places and all hell breaks loose when Amanda shows up with her leather jacket and her lip gloss. The whole story gets turned around and no one ends up with who they’re supposed to and it’s actually quite hilarious. It is kind of jumpy, though. Huge character developments happening and crumbling in about 10 minutes and all that. If you aren’t familiar with the story of Pride and Prejudice, I doubt you’d appreciate it much because you won’t know how the real story is and how important some of the revelations are, but all in all it’s quite enjoyable. And although no one can ever compare to Colin Firth, Elliot Cowan does quite a good job at being broody and attractive. To highlight the humor and connection with modern reality, here’s a photo of Darcy himself (who has just followed Amanda through the portal into her world) holding a Teletubby.

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It’s a 4 part mini-series, I believe…. but I got through it in one night (hi, unemployed). I’ve now moved on to another Jane Austen adaptation, “Emma” (the mini-series released in 2009, not the Gweneth Paltrow one which I just could NOT sit through). I’ve just started, but I think I like it.

Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on in my life right now. I’ve decided that when I go back to school in the Fall I’m going to study politics. Don’t ask me why, for I have no idea. I seem to be settled on it, though. I blame Jack Kennedy.

Speaking of, the 50th Anniversary of his assassination was a few days ago and I forgot to post this:

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A photo of me, some 18 years ago, at JFK’s grave site. I’m thinking of planning a trip to D.C. for my birthday, but if I can swing it I may go to Boston which is the land of all things Kennedy (as well as a friend that I’d love to see). We’ll see.

Oh, I also was able to watch “Parkland,” which is sort of a biopic on the day of and those following when JFK was killed. It was pretty emotional and informative, not to mention star-studded. Pretty much anyone you could ever imagine is in that movie. Not really. But basically anyone from Zac Efron to Paul Giamatti. If you’re a Kennedy enthusiast, I say it’s worth the watch. It isn’t too gory, which is what I was afraid of. It focuses mainly on the lives sort of personally effected by the whole thing.

That’s all. Time to go eat my weight something sweet and unhealthy and pretend I live in a time when my main concern was finding a rich man to marry me. None of Jane Austen’s heroines ever had to bother with job hunting. Ugh.

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I miss FOB.

Finally able to gif this beautiful moment from Fall Out Boy’s set in Chicago during Riot Fest. “Young Volcanos” is definitely one of the best songs on the new album and hearing it live is like setting your soul on fire. So good. I miss them.

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Yowza!

It’s been minute, dear blog friend. There are a number of drafts saved from when I’ve tried to update this thing but either got tired or lazy or my computer went into grumpy old man mode and started moaning and spitting at me anytime I got near it… it finally crashed a few weeks (or months now, sheesh) ago so I was kind of without a blogging device for a while. I bought a new one recently and it’s rather cheap and rather weird and I have no patience for Windows 8 or these crappy keys that jam if I touch them at the wrong angle so I’ve only been using it when absolutely necessary. A lot of stuff has been going on though and I feel bad that I haven’t documented it. Making a “catch-up” post is so exhausting though. Ugh. I think I’m just gonna start with the most recent happenings and work my way backwards. Maybe. We’ll see. 

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Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

3/11/13

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